Things I know to be true- as a 31 year old mother.

Things I Know To Be True as a 31 year old Mother

There’s a lot of uncertainty in life but here’s some things I know to be true as a 31 year old mother.

1. Kids will either eat twice their weight in food or nothing at all.

2.) It was never them.

3.) I am mean.

4.) and unfair.

5.) No matter how many clothes are in their drawers, they have nothing to wear.

6.) The favorite outfit is usually the least presentable.

things I know to be true as a 31 year old mother

7.) No matter what you made for dinner, they don’t like it (even if they ate it last week).

8.) Ice packs are worth buying in bulk.

9.) It’s never too cold for shorts, in the mind of a boy.

10.) No one ever needs a jacket.

11.) Anything forgotten is usually Mom’s fault.

Things I know to be true as a 31 year old mother

12.) I will need to use the plunger at least once a day, because one can never use too much toilet paper to wipe their ass.

13.) Snacks are always more appealing than a meal.

14.) There will be pee on the floor or seat when I go to use the toilet.

15.) There is never anything worth eating in the pantry or fridge unless I just arrived home from grocery shopping.

16.) Laundry is inevitable.

17.) My list will only ever be half completed.

18.) No one is ever tired (except me!).

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Things I know to be true- as a 31 year old mother.

 

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Just Keep Swimming (yeah, I'm referencing finding nemo)

Just Keep Swimming (YEAH, I’M REFERENCING FINDING NEMO)

Most days I’m not a confident mother. I guess you just assume you’ll know how to be a parent when the time comes but the truth is we are all just trying to figure it out as we go. I ran into a friend this week, who has several young children, and she mentioned how becoming a mother had drained her of self-confidence. I could relate completely. I can’t speak for everyone but I know that it’s been a rocky road for me since becoming a mother nearly 10 years ago.

It starts with your body, it’s no longer just yours after carrying a baby. There’s the weight gain, the stretch marks, and then the months of breastfeeding. It changes your body, and it’s forever marked by your children. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, but it’s hard for a lot of women. For myself, getting used to my “new normal” was a struggle. Clothes fit different, I felt kind of frumpy, and having a baby permanently attached to me was wonderful and a burden at times.

Then there’s the social changes. Being alone with your baby for days on end with limited sleep and social interaction is isolating. I found it really difficult in the beginning, especially in the winter when I couldn’t take a walk or a trip to the park in search of adult conversation. After not seeing friends for so long you start to wonder if you have any, or if the world has moved on without you. You can’t always attend parties or gatherings because of your baby and after a while you stop getting invited. It’s easy to feel alone.

Don’t forget about the whole “being a new parent” thing, dear god, is there anything more terrifying than being sent home with a newborn??? Everything is new. You are constantly second guessing your judgment because another person’s life is on the line (how many times did you call the pediatrician with your first child?). Every time your child gets hurt or sick, or acts up in public, or anything you wonder if it’s something you caused. So yeah, it’s easy to see why some of us feel less than confident.

I’m not sure if there’s any way to magically obtain confidence but it’s something I’m always trying to gather. I find that some days it’s there, when I’ve completed something seemingly impossible (like surviving a drill weekend and making it to a gazillion commitments on my own with three kids or made a terrific meal that 90% of my kids actually ate). I find it in those tiny victories and I try to hang onto it for the days when my kid is throwing a fit in the middle of the grocery store and I’m not sure I’m going to make it another second. I’m a firm believer in “fake it till you make it”. Do I know what I’m doing? NO. Is there a right way to be a mother? NO. Is there a one size fits all solution to parenting? NO. All we can do is love our children and care for them in the best way we know how. I learn from my mistakes everyday, and each day I hope to do a little better than the last. Just keep swimming!

Just Keep Swimming (yeah, I'm referencing finding nemo)

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is it possible to grieve the loss of a child that never existed?

Is it possible to grieve the loss of a child that never existed?

Is it possible to grieve a child that never existed?I have 3 healthy, beautiful, boys that I love with all my heart. The world of sports, rough-housing, and superheros, was not something I saw coming. I always imagined my life filled with dance classes, ribbons, and pink, but life had other plans for me. My daughter would have been spoiled beyond belief and we would have done everything together…if she existed.

I think most little girls imagine having a daughter at some point, it’s probably in our biology. Maybe because we idolize our mothers, and want to recreate that special bond. The relationship I have with my mother is something I cherish and wouldn’t trade for anything. She’s my best friend, my confidante, and of course I would want to make that for myself. That’s not to say I don’t share a special bond with my boys, but a mother/son relationship is different, at some point a woman will come into their life and replace me in most ways (and that’s the way it should be, I want them to grow up and be independent). It’s already happening really, they want to do more and more with their Dad or their friends and less and less to hang out with me. They are far more into sports and hunting than baking and crafting with me. That might be a stereotype but that’s the reality in this house.

is it possible to grieve a child that never existed?

Every pregnancy I had I was convinced in the beginning would be my daughter, until the doctor told me otherwise (and truly I held out hope they might be wrong). It’s a source of guilt for me, because my boys are here and it’s feels like a betrayal to want anything more. Don’t get me wrong I don’t have a desire to have more children, my life is full and I am already spread too thin as it is, I’m ready to move on from babies, but I still want that girl. It’s a selfish want when I already have so much, but it’s there. I am embarrassed to admit I cried finding out my last baby was another boy, I was crushed with inconsolable grief knowing I’d never have a daughter. I knew it was wrong to grieve a healthy pregnancy (and while other’s were dealing with real loss of a child). but I still felt it.

When my third child was born. he was very sick and almost didn’t make it, and I secretly blamed my selfishness for his infection. I was convinced my wishing he were a she was the reason we were being punished by God and he would be taken from us. I spent a week praying and bargaining with God at Collin’s bedside, trying to take back the tears I’d shed in the ultrasound room so many months before. I swore I’d never resent not having a daughter again. It was a lie.

is it possible to grieve a child that never existed?

Every little girl playing at the park, every dress hanging in a store front, every shade of pink reminds me I’m a boymom. I’m never going to a ballet class, and I won’t be painting any pink rooms. I will however spend the entire winter in a hockey rink, and I will have a load of blue laundry. So while I do feel the loss of something that never was, I also get to experience something completely new, and I am constantly learning new things about myself from my boys. I would have never known the entire back story to every superhero, or learned the many, many, rules of hockey, or known half as many things about pokemon. My boys bring out something completely unexpected in me, and you know what? I like being a boymom, no matter how crazy it gets.

Have you ever experienced the loss of a child that never existed? Share your experience in the comments.

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